"Be the Change"
I told Seth that I had lost my benevolence toward humankind.
He told me that human beings can only recognize things in the world that they already have inside themselves.
Which makes sense. Obviously you can recognize an object, like a chair, or something, that you don't have inside you, but you have to experience an emotion like jealousy or rage before you can recognize it in others.
And obviously the scale is different, and it's more vague - I can be upset about the war in Iraq, obviously the war in Iraq is not inside me. But Seth's line of thinking would assert that the reasons the war in Iraq upsets me so much is because there's something about it, or the reasons for it, that exists inside me, for example: illogical violence, pre-emptive retaliation, et cetera.
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I think about people I've hated, and realize that I hated them because they had traits that I knew I had, or feared I had, but couldn't deal with. I hate people for thinking, talking and behaving the ways that I secretly fear I think, talk, and behave.
Stupidity, hypocrisy, and weakness are traits that bother me in anyone, and I know that I have a propensity for all of them. The things that disgust and discourage me about human beings - violence, hatred, prejudice, even rape - these all exist, on some level, within me.
Obviously, I fight against exhibiting these traits. But I know they're in there, somewhere. I know that I sometimes take joy in other's misery - I am cruel. I know that I sometimes fantasize about getting revenge on people who have hurt me.
This line of thinking has made me confront the fact that my heart is, in fact, black and shrivelled. This is hard to reconcile with my raging self-righteousness.
I used to feel like I wasn't doing enough for the world - I wasn't politically active enough, I wasn't globally aware enough, I wasn't doing my part to persuade or at least piss off the Religious Right, I wasn't fighting hard enough.
And now, instead of feeling vaguely guilty for things which I ultimately can't control (i.e. the war in Iraq, AIDS in Africa, genocide, FGM, the death penalty, South Dakota), I feel supremely guilty for things that I'm actually responsible for: my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
I have realized that I am everything I hate about the world.
After being introduced to this line of thinking, it took me only 36 hours to realize that the only way for me to make the world a better place would be to remove myself - and my rage, hate, and prejudice - from the world, as soon as possible.
The conclusion is simple: The only answer is suicide.
He told me that human beings can only recognize things in the world that they already have inside themselves.
Which makes sense. Obviously you can recognize an object, like a chair, or something, that you don't have inside you, but you have to experience an emotion like jealousy or rage before you can recognize it in others.
And obviously the scale is different, and it's more vague - I can be upset about the war in Iraq, obviously the war in Iraq is not inside me. But Seth's line of thinking would assert that the reasons the war in Iraq upsets me so much is because there's something about it, or the reasons for it, that exists inside me, for example: illogical violence, pre-emptive retaliation, et cetera.
The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I think about people I've hated, and realize that I hated them because they had traits that I knew I had, or feared I had, but couldn't deal with. I hate people for thinking, talking and behaving the ways that I secretly fear I think, talk, and behave.
Stupidity, hypocrisy, and weakness are traits that bother me in anyone, and I know that I have a propensity for all of them. The things that disgust and discourage me about human beings - violence, hatred, prejudice, even rape - these all exist, on some level, within me.
Obviously, I fight against exhibiting these traits. But I know they're in there, somewhere. I know that I sometimes take joy in other's misery - I am cruel. I know that I sometimes fantasize about getting revenge on people who have hurt me.
This line of thinking has made me confront the fact that my heart is, in fact, black and shrivelled. This is hard to reconcile with my raging self-righteousness.
I used to feel like I wasn't doing enough for the world - I wasn't politically active enough, I wasn't globally aware enough, I wasn't doing my part to persuade or at least piss off the Religious Right, I wasn't fighting hard enough.
And now, instead of feeling vaguely guilty for things which I ultimately can't control (i.e. the war in Iraq, AIDS in Africa, genocide, FGM, the death penalty, South Dakota), I feel supremely guilty for things that I'm actually responsible for: my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
I have realized that I am everything I hate about the world.
After being introduced to this line of thinking, it took me only 36 hours to realize that the only way for me to make the world a better place would be to remove myself - and my rage, hate, and prejudice - from the world, as soon as possible.
The conclusion is simple: The only answer is suicide.
On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Bitter & Depressed.
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: The Smiths - Asleep
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: The Smiths - Asleep
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
1 Comments:
That's an interesting theory. I see some truth in it, but not the whole truth. You are concerned for the good of the world. You might even be willing to sacrifice your life for it if need be. That seems very noble and good.
Luckily, there is no need for you to kill yourself. It will not lessen the amount of evil in the world. You are part of the world, body and spirit. Much of what the world is made up of is within you. You reflect good and evil, but you are not the root of it. Killing yourself may also diminish the good in the world
Post a Comment
<< Home