Lame (adjective) -

Today, Seth called me at work. He asked me how I was feeling. The first - and really, only, response that came to mind was: Lame. I feel lame. I don't just mean that I feel like I'm lame as in uncool, or that I feel like my day is lame and my life is lame (definition 4). I feel like I'm defective (definition 2).

Still. This is considerably better than I have been feeling so far this week.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Lame.
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: Tonic - Wicked Soldier
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg

I hated The Fountainhead. Loathed it. Despised it. I don't even really remember anything about the book, except a scene, toward the beginning. The hero is sitting in a boat with his friend, and he tells his friend that if he fell out of the boat, he would risk his life to save him. "I would die for you," the hero says, "But I won't live for you."

Suicide is considered such a selfish thing. I'm supposed to live out my life, no matter how unbearable it becomes... so that I don't hurt the people who love me.

Maybe it's selfish of them to ask me to suffer for them.

I can't stay here, and I have nowhere else to go. I don't have any choices left.

The Freedom of Nothing Left to Lose

I used to think that I was talented. I thought that I was special. And it was a reason to get up in the morning. I thought I had something to offer the world. Something important. But I was wrong. I'm not talented. I don't even have any potential. I will never create anything of beauty or significance. At first, this hurt me, but now I realize that I should be relieved. If I don't have a gift, then I don't have a destiny, or a calling, or a purpose. I am free. Free to live or die.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Mediocre
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: The Smiths - Asleep
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg

Possible Explanation

My mother sent this quote to me this morning.

"The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners."
-- Florence King

I've always suspected that being myself would have serious consequences.

I realized on New Year's Eve that I was coming up on the one-year-without sex milestone. After that, it's not too long before I hit the one-year-without-kissing milestone. Josh has suggested the Internet as a way to meet people. I expect it will get harder to laugh it off before it gets easier. I just wish that I had some guarantee in place. Like, I could spend another year without touching anyone, as long as I knew that in a year, I would meet my next boyfriend. Being lonely is terrible, but the worst part is knowing that it could go on indefinitely. It could be five years, it could be ten. Dying alone doesn't scare me, but the thought of living for the rest of my life without a significant embrace makes me want to speed up the dying. I don't care how unreasonable and needy it sounds. I should be more independent. I should be more stable. But I'm not. This is me. I am needy and pessimistic. I'm so lonely it hurts to breathe.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Collapsed-Lung.
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: Red Delicious - Want Me
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg