Skipping?!?

Last week when I was locked out of the apartment, I called Seth. We talked a little about my revelations in the face of his comments that I am the evil I hate in the world. To his credit, he apologized for any emotional turmoil his well-meaning insight had caused me.

Then, toward the end of our conversation, he told me that the reason I direct plays is because it gives me an excuse to flip out at people. See, I never let myself express anger toward anyone. When I'm angry at people, I typically a.) pretend everything is fine, b.) never talk to that person again, or c.) cry. I almost never yell at anyone, because I can't fucking stand being yelled at, it is emotionally traumatic to me, and I can't bring myself to subject someone else to that kind of abuse. The only exception is when I'm really stressed out about theatre, I sometimes snap at people. It bothers me every time I do it, but I apologize, and typically, people forgive me.

So, according to Seth, I direct plays so that I can have an alternate personality - "the director" - who I allow to express the rage that I never allow myself to voice in my ordinary life.

This was absolutely mind-blowing, in that, I felt like a terrible fucking human being. I suddenly felt manipulative, Seth responded by saying, "I don't think you're manipulative. I think you're great. You make me so happy. This is making me so happy. I am skipping down the street right now."

And I was like, "Well... stop it." After a few seconds of dead silence, I told him that I would call him later.

I have not called him back.

I can't exactly explain why this pisses me off so much, but... the most obvious reason is this: You shouldn't be giddy about something that is making your friend feel like shit.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Directing my self-hatred outward (instead of the opposite, for a change).
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: The Fuck-Up by Arthur Nersesian