Someone Like Me

I was just watching "Six Feet Under" (season 2, episode 12)... and Claire goes on a tour of an arts school that's described as "the island of misfit toys of colleges"... and when she walks back to her car, another hearse, just like hers, is parked right next to it.

Imagine that feeling - suddenly realizing that there might just be a place in the world where you might fit in.

Amazing.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Moved.
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: Cake - Sheep Go to Heaven
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney

How to Keep Smiling...

I recently discovered the song "Eight Easy Steps" by Alanis Morrisette (see Radio selection). The premise of the song is that it's a pitch for one of those self-help workshops, but instead of actually being self-help, it's the opposite. Alanis promises, in "eight easy steps" to teach you:

* How to defer to men in solveable predicaments
* How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
* How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
* How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
* How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself

...and much, much more. The song kind of reminds me of when I first saw the book, "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" and thought, Well, damn. Now what will I call my autobiography?

It got me thinking... If I could teach a self-destruction workshop, what would I teach people? Here are my ideas so far:

* How to write people off without giving them a chance
* How to feel guilty for things you can't control
* How to throw your convictions out the window for your boyfriend
* How to hold grudges instead of confronting people when they hurt you
* How to secretly hate all your closest friends
* How to find emotionally unavailable men irresistible
* How to simultaneously want, and feel pathetic for wanting, connection with other people
* How to use your intelligence to pull away from human interaction
* How to be nostalgic for one of the worst years of your life
* How to doubt the motives of everyone who's kind to you
* How to enjoy your own bitterness just enough to prevent you from making any attempts to improve your life
* How to make sure you never get the help you need

It's like Alanis says:

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my ass off
I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter:
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: Alanis Morrisette - Eight Easy Steps
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney

Happy in My Empty Bed

I am happy to report that I have observed my spirit of independence coming back. This is not to say that I am not lonely. This is not to say that I don't want a relationship. But, I am encouraged by the fact that I no longer feel negatively about sleeping alone. It took 15 months, but, finally, I have stopped feeling that sad, aching feeling every night when I go to bed. I mostly feel neutral about sleeping alone, and sometimes, I have even noticed feeling positively about this practice. It's a small step, but it's something.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: ...?...
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: Ludo - Good Will Hunting
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney

The Lonely Trip to the Emergency Room

It's been said many times, many ways, that suffering makes one a better, stronger person. I've always believed that at the minimum, trauma teaches me about myself. Here are some things I learned about myself and my life, while vomiting, dry-heaving, experiencing terrible pain, being diagnosed with appendicitis, subsequently undergoing midnight surgery, and during the two-week recovery process.

1.) When I'm sick, I still want my mom to make it better.
2.) I prefer dry-heaving to throwing up. It hurts more, but it's less disgusting.
3.) When making decisions, I prefer to appeal to the authority of others. I do not trust my own instincts.
4.) There is no crisis that cannot be made worse by the presence of my father.
5.) My friends and family perceive me as melodramatic, and do not trust my ability to assess a given situation.
6.) I enjoy the effects of morphine.
7.) When forced, I can take care of myself. My will to live is surprisingly strong.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Lonely.
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: Brand New - Seventy Times Seven
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: The Fuck-Up by Arthur Nersesian

Come Back Down to Earth

I guess I made up with Seth, is as much as we were ever "fighting." I couldn't stay mad. I called him, found out he's moving to Europe, and everything went back to normal.

When I told Seth about my daydream of quitting my day job, he said, "Don't wait until you think it's safe! Do it now! Do it now! Quit now! Quit before you hate it! Move to Europe and write plays and sing in the streets and BE ALL YOU CAN BE, Kellie Powell! You have marvellous talent and you shouldn't waste it at a law firm! Be impractical! Be Bohemian! You will succeed! I have 100% confidence in you!"

I guess it was unreasonable to hope that everyone might react that way.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Grounded in Reality Once Again.
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: Jill Sobule - The Jig Is Up
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: The Fuck-Up by Arthur Nersesian

Work

Today at work, it occurred to me: I am too good for this. I usually don't have very much faith in my abilities, but today, for whatever reason, I realized I am too fucking talented to waste my time with this place.

I should be writing and directing full time. I should be spending my time writing and trying to get produced and published. I should be spending my days in workshops and rehearsal, not at this fucking desk.

Of course, that's the goal I'm working toward, and I've always known that. But today, I really feel like this "day job" thing is just... more harm than good. Yes, it's paying the bills, but... at what cost?

Maybe it's because my boss pissed me off today, maybe it's because she's a crazy person. Maybe it's because someone actually bought one of my plays. Maybe it's because I have two months' rent in my bank account, and by the end of the month, I will have three times as much, and I just feel like, fuck, you know? That's six months I could spend writing.

For whatever reason, I can't come up with a single good answer to that eternal question, What the fuck am I doing here?

In two weeks, if my feelings haven't changed, I might give my two weeks' notice. And then, I will have approximately six months before I have to start freaking out and looking for another shitty, sell-out day job again.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: My Rage Gives Me Power.
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: Green Day - Minority
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: The Fuck-Up by Arthur Nersesian

Skipping?!?

Last week when I was locked out of the apartment, I called Seth. We talked a little about my revelations in the face of his comments that I am the evil I hate in the world. To his credit, he apologized for any emotional turmoil his well-meaning insight had caused me.

Then, toward the end of our conversation, he told me that the reason I direct plays is because it gives me an excuse to flip out at people. See, I never let myself express anger toward anyone. When I'm angry at people, I typically a.) pretend everything is fine, b.) never talk to that person again, or c.) cry. I almost never yell at anyone, because I can't fucking stand being yelled at, it is emotionally traumatic to me, and I can't bring myself to subject someone else to that kind of abuse. The only exception is when I'm really stressed out about theatre, I sometimes snap at people. It bothers me every time I do it, but I apologize, and typically, people forgive me.

So, according to Seth, I direct plays so that I can have an alternate personality - "the director" - who I allow to express the rage that I never allow myself to voice in my ordinary life.

This was absolutely mind-blowing, in that, I felt like a terrible fucking human being. I suddenly felt manipulative, Seth responded by saying, "I don't think you're manipulative. I think you're great. You make me so happy. This is making me so happy. I am skipping down the street right now."

And I was like, "Well... stop it." After a few seconds of dead silence, I told him that I would call him later.

I have not called him back.

I can't exactly explain why this pisses me off so much, but... the most obvious reason is this: You shouldn't be giddy about something that is making your friend feel like shit.

On a Scale from 1 to Bitter: Directing my self-hatred outward (instead of the opposite, for a change).
1-800-Bitterness.com Radio: The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
1-800-Bitterness.com Reading List: The Fuck-Up by Arthur Nersesian